i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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