But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you traded sex for a burrito?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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