Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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