just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
