before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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