I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
