i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Randomize
