I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
