Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
