my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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