i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
