I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
