Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
