she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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