I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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