There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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