Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
