Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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