College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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