did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
