I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
