haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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