Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
