apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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