my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
