he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
cat food counts as protein by the way
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
