i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
