The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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