I wish I could teleport
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
