i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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