All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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