Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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