The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
