At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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