I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
