I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
