You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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