if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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