Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
