I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
