Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
