oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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