i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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