I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
