So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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