I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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