if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
