my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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