It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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