Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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