I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
