Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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