Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wish there were birth control emojis
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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